Elmer has been forced, by the Human Resources Department of Wal-Mart, to attend an Anger Management Course. Mr. Redgren, Elmer’s Manager, whom Elmer refers to as ‘Red Green’ and other things, because he can’t remember the man’s name, has finally crossed the line in his capacity as Greeter. Elmer, of course, refers to himself as a Public Relations Manager, but can’t seem to let anyone in the front door without insulting them.
The latest incident involved a lady asking for directions to the Seasonal Department to buy a shovel for her prize roses. Elmer tells her in no uncertain terms, that by the look of her beady eyes, she was probably planning on burying her husband in the flower bed.
Where is the last greeter asks the lady choosing to ignore Elmer’s insult?
He got a job down to the museum as a mummy says Elmer. Last week he sneezed on a customer and dust came out of his nose.
Early Monday morning Elmer shows up at Doctor I.M.Becile’s office, and announces that Manager Green sent him down there to have a chinwag with Doctor Imbecile The receptionist informs Elmer that the doctor’s name is Dr. Irving M Becile.
“I know how to read”, yells Elmer. “What do you think I am, illegitimate, or something?”
“Take a seat”, she says. “The doctor is running a little late with his current patient.”
“What’s the matter with the guy?”, Elmer yells in a voice loud enough to be heard down the hallway. “Is he one of those patients that has to have electricity passed through his brain so he can sit in a window all day staring out into space?
We had one of those guys down to the plant. He was the Shop Steward”, adds Elmer. “Had the job for forty years, sitting in a window all day staring out into space. Then one day they locked him up in one of your nut houses. Now he sits in a window all day staring out into space.
When the boys at the plant talked about him, I would say that I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy”. Which puts me in mind of a joke we used to tell”, said Elmer. Would you like to hear it?”
“No”, says the receptionist emphatically.
“How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one”, says Elmer, but the lightbulb has to want to change.”
“Mr. Crank could you please keep your voice down, and quit disturbing the others in the waiting room.”
“Are you seeing other people in this room?”, Crank asks with a grin to the startled Receptionist, much to the amusement of everyone in the full waiting room. “Maybe you better lay down on the Imbecile’s couch yourself. You and I are here on our own. You must be overworked. Maybe you need an enima to clear your mind. Does wonders for me.”
“I’m sure it does she says but I do not need an enima, says the embarrassed Receptionist. “You can go in now”, she says, looking relieved.
“Crank’s the name, Public Relation’s the game”, yells out Elmer to the startled Doctor. That bozo boss of mine that shines the seat of his office chair with his arse all day, said you needed to talk with me”.
Elmer glances around the doctor’s office at all of his diplomas. “So tell me Doc, what kind of headshrinker are you anyway?”
“I am a student of the Sigmund Freud School of Psychiatry”. replies the doctor
“Fraud eh” said Elmer, “And they give you a diploma for that do they?”
“That’s Freud, not fraud. I also studied the Carl Jung method.”
“So why didn’t you stick with the young guy instead?”, asks Elmer?
“Mr.Crank, let’s talk about you shall we? Mr. Redgrin, your Manager, seems to think you have anger issues.”
“How the hell would he know? He doesn’t know his arse from his elbow”, yells Elmer. “He hired me didn’t he?
It’s not me anyway. It’s those customers driving me crazy all day with their stupid questions. ‘Nice day out’, says one old geezer. I asked him if it’s so nice out what was he doing shopping in here? Get outside and sit on a park bench with all the other statues.
‘Where’s the paint department?’, asks one guy, who looks like a walking oil painting he’s covered in so much paint. I told him, if he stood still long enough, people would start coming over and buying paint from him.
I asked him if he was painting the Great Wall of China. Some woman wanted to know which shirt to buy her husband, and she stuck both of them in my face. They were those Hawaiian shirts with so many colours that they looked like a painter’s weasel. I told her it doesn’t matter because the man obviously had no taste as he married her.
“Mr. Crank, you need to be civil to your customers.”
“I don’t see why”, says Elmer. I have to deal with Civil Servants all the time, and they’re never civil to me.”
“Maybe we should start out with some breathing exercises”, suggests the doctor
“Don’t need it, been breathing all my life”, says Elmer.
“How about meditation?” suggested the Doctor.
“I’ll have to think about it”, says Elmer.
At this point the doctor loses his composure and gets into a screaming match with Elmer. Finally he asks Mr. Crank to leave his office, and to never come back. On his way out, the startled Receptionist asks Mr. Crank what happened.
“Nothing serious”, said Elmer. “But your boss is not only a fraud, he needs an enima as well”